


Steak and Potatoes

by AstralVortex



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Crack, Potatoes, crackfic, ibuki best girl, im not sorry, steak, steak and potatoes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstralVortex/pseuds/AstralVortex
Summary: Ibuki cooks something and wants her classmates to try it. Chaos ensues.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	Steak and Potatoes

Chiaki and Nagito were chatting in the Hope's Peak Dining Hall.

"And that's how I got my lifetime ban from IHOP." Nagito said. However, he looked up and turned around to see everyone from their class just standing around. "Wait… why is everyone in our class here?"

"I dunno," Chiaki said. "But it seems there's some kind of arrangement or something."

"Erm… Ibuki told us to convene here ten minutes ago," Mahiru said. "I'm not sure what she's planning"

"Tch," Fuyuhiko said. "Better be important."

"Do you believe that Ibuki Mioda is planning to send us all to the dark dimension?" Gundham asked.

Akane's nose twitched. "Does anyone smell that?"

"Smell what?" Peko asked.

"It smells like sweat mixed with rat poison." Akane said.

Everyone waited a few minutes until the smell got strong enough that everyone could smell it.

"EEK!" Mikan shouted, clenching her nose. "Don't breathe it in!"

"Ibuki's gonna kill us?" The Impostor said. "W-Why?"

Just then, Ibuki came out of the kitchen with a pot of steaming something. "O hai!"

"Ibuki? What is that? Why did you ask us to come?" Sonia asked, covering her nose and mouth with her sleeve.

"Oh, my food baby?" Ibuki asked. "Ibuki decided to try cooking for once! And she didn't want to be near Teruteru because he sucks!"

"Oh, yes, I do suck… hehehe…" Teruteru sneered. "But really, what is that? It doesn't smell like anything I've ever made, and I've made everything."

"Ibuki thinks you should taste it!" Ibuki shouted.

"N-Not until you tell us what it is!" Kazuichi shouted.

"Okay, Ibuki will tell you the full story of how this dish came to be. So earlier, Ibuki decided to make a steak."

"Steak?" Mahiru asked, looking into the pot. "There's no solid stuff in there!"

"Let Ibuki finish her story, and all will be clear! So Ibuki decided to make a steak, and she pan fried it and put it in the oven for twenty to thirty hours."

"Um-" Teruteru began.

"But around nineteen hours later, I felt that steak with mashed potatoes was a good combination. But Ibuki couldn't find the potato masher, so I stole one of the stilettos from the gambler girl in the next grade and used that."

* * *

Celeste opened her closet to see one of her shoes completely covered in butter and potatoes.

"What the fu-"

* * *

"Anyways, Ibuki mashed the potatoes and threw in butter, margarine, and ghost pepper."

"G-G-Ghost pepper?" Kazuichi asked. "You know how spicy that is, right?"

"Ibuki likes a little kick!" Ibuki shouted. "But don't worry. Ibuki only used one."

"Phew," Kazuichi said, wiping his forehead.

"One bag."

"WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Anyways, back to the recipe," Ibuki said. "I cut the peppers and threw them into the pot where I sat and cooked the potatoes for another hour while I played some games on my phone."

"Oh? What game?" Chiaki asked.

"Tetris."

"That's a good game."

"So once the potatoes were done, Ibuki wanted to check on her steak. But you won't believe this, it was black, completely black!"

"Gee, I wonder why," Nagito said.

"But Ibuki thought she could salvage it by mixing it with the potatoes to get a good smoky flavor. So she took a cheese grater and grated the steak in with the mashed potatoes! But having a cheese grater with me was very tempting, so I decided to add in some cheese!"

"Wait," Impostor said. "Was it the gorgonzola blue cheese? From the back of the fridge?"

"Yup!" Ibuki shouted.

"That's old. Like, expired last year old. Last time I saw it it was covered in mold."

"Yeah. It's blue cheese. It has mold." Ibuki corrected. "So Ibuki threw it in there and stirred it until it turned a nice green color."

"..."

"And Ibuki added some vinegar to make it pop. But Ibuki added a little more than she wanted, so Ibuki decided to balance it out with some acid-base chemistry stuff I don't really understand. Bleach is basic, so Ibuki added some bleach to the dish to balance it out. Ibuki considered adding Makoto from the next class or something because he's basic, but Ibuki decided against it."

Everyone just gave up making comments and stared in disapproval. Ibuki wasn't getting the message, though.

"So Ibuki wanted to mix it better, but for some reason the whisks and hand mixer broke when I tried to use it, so there might be chunks of whisk in there. But Ibuki still needed to mix it together, so Ibuki decided to use the toilet because these toilets are strooong. So I just created a massive clog in the toilet with toilet paper, glue, and some of Ibuki's loose strands of hair, and flushed it down the toilet to clog it so my invention wouldn't go down the drain. After that, I poured the pot in and then flushed the toilet, mixing it together. It also added water, which I think it needed. So after that, I scooped it out, screamed at it, and put it on the stove for ten minutes, and boom!"

"Ibuki, I think there's something wrong with you." Kazuichi said. Mahiru smacked him in the back of the head.

"Now, Ibuki got her best friends to give it a taste test!" Ibuki shouted.

"F-Fuck no!" Hiyoko shouted, running to the doors only to find it blocked on the other side. "W-What?"

Kazuichi ran up and looked through the window to see Makoto and Hiro on the other side, holding the chairs down.

"What the hell?" Kazuichi shouted, banging on the door.

"Sorry, it's us or you!" Makoto shouted.

"You- You little-" Hiyoko shouted. Makoto hung up a Do Not Disturb sign on the other side of the door.

"Dammit!" Kazuichi shouted, pounding the door again.

"Where do you think you're going?" Ibuki shouted. "Ibuki needs everyone to taste her food! Any volunteers?"

"Oh, I'll eat it!" Akane shouted. She ran up to the pot and picked up the spoon before getting a huge whiff of the scent and dropping limp to the floor.

"Shitshitshitshit-" Nekomaru shouted, opening the window and trying to climb out.

"Where are you going? This is a bonding experience!"

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Nekomaru screamed as Ibuki ran up and stuck a spoonful in his mouth, which he awkwardly choked down and then vomited all over the floor.

"I-I-Ibuki!" Mikan shouted. "P-PLease! I'll do anything! Do you want me to take my clothes off?"

"Hahaha… That's not unwelcome! But not needed!"

Ibuki slowly inched the spoon towards Mikan's mouth as she pinned her to the floor, But Ibuki stopped short of her mouth.

"I-Ibuki? What're you do-"

Ibuki threw the spoon out and grabbed a fistful of the liquid to shove it into Mikan's mouth, who collapsed on the floor and stopped moving.

"Mahiru!" Ibuki shouted, seeing Mahiru making an urgent phone call.

"We need help!" Mahiru shouted.

Ibuki grabbed the phone and threw it into the pot.

"Want your phone back?" Ibuki asked. "Reach in and get it!"

"Mahiru looked down into the pot as she reached in, but Ibuki grabbed the back of her head and smashed it into the pot, causing Mahiru to ingest some of it and fall unconscious. Ibuki pushed Mahiru's face out of the soup before running to Gundham.

Gundham turned around with duct tape on his mouth. "Hm hmm!"

"Ibuki'll get this soup into you one way or another!"

Ibuki grabbed a very conveniently placed funnel and stuck it into Gundham's nostril before pouring some of the concoction down Gundham's nose. She heard his screams from under the duct tape and ripped it off his face before pouring some down his throat.

"AAAAAHAHHHHH!" he shouted.

Peko ran to the opposite corner of the room, shielding Fuyuhiko from her.

"Peko-chan? Why're you protecting Fuyuhiko from my masterpiece?"

"G-Get away!" Peko shouted, pulling out her sword.

"Oh, don't bother with that!" Ibuki shouted. "Ibuki broke your sword yesterday. I stuck it back together with melted cheese."

Peko looked at her sword to see it was indeed broken. Ibuki saw this as her chance to take Peko off guard and shove a spoonful in her mouth, causing her to collapse and writhe on the floor. She took this opportunity to shove Fuyuhiko to the wall and force some of it into his mouth.

Hiyoko pounded on the door as Makoto and Hifumi watched through the window eating popcorn.

"Ibuki doesn't like quitters!" Ibuki shouted, running up to Hiyoko and forcing her mouth open before pouring some into it. She forced her jaw shut before squeezing her neck, forcing her to swallow it and dropping to the floor.

Ibuki ran up to the impostor.

"Eat." she said. He looked over it and dropped to the ground from the smell and the look of it.

She looked up to see the four survivors. Chiaki, Nagito, Sonia, and Teruteru.

"Teruteru, rate my food!" Ibuki shouted, running up to Teruteru.

"AAAHHH!" Teruteru shouted. Ibuki tackled him to the ground.

Teruteru didn't look that mad. "Oh, to be so close to your two hug-"

"Shut up!" Ibuki shouted, shoving a spoon into his mouth. "Sonia!"

"I-If you continue, I will have no choice to ban you from Novoselic!"

"Oh, right you're foreign! Hopefully you can add this to the royal dinner!"

Sonia screamed as Ibuki poured the soup over her face and collapsed onto the floor. She turned around to look at Nagito and Chiaki.

"You'll never take me alive," Nagito said, pulling a gun out of his pocket and shooting himself in the temple. Which just left Chiaki.

"Chiaki…" Ibuki teased.

"No…"

Ibuki grabbed the spoon and pot and ran towards Chiaki.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Ibuki sat in the headmaster's office.

"You're expelled."


End file.
